joytofu's Xanga

Sad videos of us canoeing

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 04:48:55 GMT

Scroll down to read about what happened. My commentaries are annoying. I know, i know. Let's turn t volumne to mute and just enjoy the beautiful scenery of Yukon, Canada. Yeah, let's focus on the beauty of nature and ignore everything else.

Here's Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Enjoy the view (mountains and lake, not my face, i mean)

Post Cruise Reflection part 1

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 00:12:19 GMT

here's a list of random thoughts on my mind while waiting for my 10:30 pm flight. Warning: very random very boring and super disorganized.

- Me now in Vancouver International airport using its free internet. We (my bro and i) are back from our 7-day cruise on the Norwegian Sun from Vancouver to Alaska (Ketchikan, Juneau, and Skagway). Wonderful trip, albeit expensive (more on this later). I had the time of my life. thanks to the trip and all the Alaska/wild life - related YA novels (mostly fantasy) i read before going on that cruise, i get crazy excited whenever i hear the word "husky" or "glacier" or "wild life" or "Klondike" or "gold rush" or "skin boat." Everything about Alaska draws me. I felt the same about Hokkaido when i was in Japan. there's something about the far north, i don't know if it's the mountains or the snow or the cold or the fact that it's in the far north, that draws me and makes me nostalgic for unknown reasons.

- I learned a lot about the history of Klondike goldrush in Skagway. and i'm dying to read "the call of the wild" by Jack London. my brother said he read both "the call of the wild" and "white fangs" (which is the sequel, i think) in chinese when he was young, and that both books are very good. Aww... huskies. The full-grown ones are just beautiful, and the pups are super cute. they are zuuuuuuuuizie poooootie cuuuute. ever since i read "Diamond Willow," huskies have become my new obsession. i'd scream "husky" whenever i see a husky plush toy, husky postcards, tourism videos with husky dogsleds or anything husky related, and force my (very annoyed) brother to stop whatever he's doing to stare and admire the wolf-dog with me. as if all that eye-rolling can stop me. haha...

-I spent a lot of $$. 1500 for the cruise (i paid for both me and my bro), 1000 for the round trip ticket from NYC to Vancouver (again, for me and my bro), 24 bucks of service charge per day (7 days you do the math), 660 for the cruise's "shore excursion" program (we did wildness boat ride, yummy Dungeness all you can eat crab feed, cannoeing and hose back riding), and a big big number for my spa treatments on board (haha i'm too embarrassed to share the amount), and of course we had to pay for those pretty concoctions they pull out at the bars on board... i'm trying to not think about it. did i spend more than i intended? haha yeah. but then i had to pay for two persons. trying very very very hard not to think about it. ... ........... ahhhh i'm broke.

- I remember in my first day of teaching in Nagano, Japan, one cute 7th grader asked me "Li-hsin sensei, are you a yama-person (mountain) or an umi-person (ocean)?" what he meant was if i could choose, would i want to live in the mountains or near the ocean. Without hesitation, i answered "yama!" then i explained that mountains have seasons, foliage, trees, forest, hills, volcanos, lakes, waterfalls, and you can do all sorts of fun stuff like hiking, skiing, cannoeing in the mountains... of course my answer made them happy because Nagano is known as "the roof top of Japan." truth is i love mountains. nothing else can inspire that feeling of longing, nostalgia and sometimes fear and reverence like the mountains.

- the horsie that took me to the wilderness of Yukon territory is named "Bullet." He's a very gentle, very calm horse, but he tended to want to stop and eat. it was the first time i rode a horse on my own, but i didn't do anything really. Bullet knew his way around. he led me up and down the hills, through the woods and desert areas, streams and railroad tracks. The horsie was so smart he even knew when to stop for me to take scenic photos. I'm serious. How cute is that? Bullet is the gentlest, calmest and tamest horse i've ever met (and i met quite a few when i lived in Alberta). The tour guide made me lead the pack because my horse walks slow, and trailing far behind everyone else in YUKON would really freak me out. i enjoyed the ride because the scene was so pretty, but according to my bro, all the other hoses who had to follow Bullet and me on that narrow winding trail had gotten quite impatient with my horsie's leisure speed. and the fact that he'd take his time peeing and pooping his way got them all antsy. it was then that i realized those "scenic spot" stops were actually his pottie breaks. haha we were perfectly compatible (the overly relaxed horse and the clueless rider).

- the whole time i thought my horse's name was Spirit, and i kept commenting in the videos that it was a dream come true that i'm riding a "spirit horse" just like my storybook hero. it wasn't until we were on our way back from that i finally found out that Spirit is my brother's horse! i spent the rest of the way back apologizing to my horsie for calling him the wrong name. i was yelling "No Spirit! no eating!" the whole time. no wonder he was so confused. i just hope the real Spirit didn't hear me.

- my brother sucks at cannoeing. i've tried cannoeing twice before in Buffalo, and both times the guy who shared the boat with me did most of the work. all i had to do was paddle here and there and look like i was cannoeing. never before did i to paddle so hard and yet moved so slow. we were literally inching against the currents while the other boats cruised through the Lake like knife in jello. they were literally a mile ahead of us. it was beyond embarrassing. my brother told me i should appreciate the fact that we at least did not perform any 360's.

- i took quite a few videos with my 30-minute FLIP camcorder. i never realized how bad a videographer i am until i saw the vids i took. i wanted to share those videos but after viewing them myself i decided not to torture my poor potential viewers. they're all very shaky they can make you sick. i'm not kidding. maybe i can share one or two that aren't too bad.

- according to the BCA (body composition analysis) result i got from one of the spa visits on board, i need to lose about 10 pounds (gasp!), which got me all depressed for a while. when did i become over-weight? and not just over weight, i am 10 pounds overweight. however, according to the result, 6 of those pounds are from "water/fluid retention." i'll need to get rid of those water weight by detox. sigh.. long story short, after some thinking ("no i'm not getting any younger" "yes, like cars, our bodies need servicing.." "right, the body is the temple of the Lord"), i emptied my wallet and spent some big money on detox products. i'm working hard on looking at it as an investment. so yup, i'm back in detox mode. let's hope it works. isn't it annoying that we have to pay for everything?

if i get comments, i'll type up a part 2 when i get back to NYC. tee hee...

frustrated .. ahhh i'm frustrated!

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 04:07:55 GMT

My kids can't write. They can't write!! They were all born here, and they can't speak proper English. Seriously! I'm beyond frustrated. After a year of labor, i look at their writing and feel like i've accomplished nothing.

they cannot use "many" and "much" properly.

they don't know the difference between "a little" and "a few."

they don't know how to use past perfect.

their tenses are all over the place.

subject-verb agreement? i don't even know where to start.

they still tend to mess up the gender pronouns. "My sister's annoying. He always bothering me."

you see weird expressions like "too less homework" (what they mean is "not enough") all the time.

they don't know how to form a complete sentence. ("What to bring? Seven days until Vermont field trip!!!")

and they simply don't make sense!

it's not just bad writing. it's writing that doesn't even make sense!

and they were born here!

and they want to go to Stuyvesant!

Seriously!

and now it's end of the year. i'm trying to put together a "6th grade year book" type of thing. i'm supposed to inlcude every single student's work in there, but the kids have become so lazy that i've only collected a handful. Not only that, most of the work i saw is simply not presentable! Simply toooo embarrassing.

i've not worked my magic.

ARRRRGGH.. WHY?!

This is ENGLISH! not some exotic foreign language they are forced to learn in high school. and they were born here! right here in the big apple. born and raised and have gone through PreK, 6 years of elementary school and they're still not proficient. If their chinese is anywhere near passable, I'd well, pass.

but NO, English is what they feel the most comfortable using. their chinese is even more of a mess.

AAAAARRRRRRRGH. What exactly is missing?!!!!

and you can't fix it. their English, along with all its appaling mistakes, has fossilized. FOSSILIZED! something that should only happen to adult learners like me, who started learning English at 13.

and it's their NATIVE language i'm talking about!

i'm beyond stressed. the deadline is less than a week away. i've got tons of work to do, and the kids are simply not there. it's the end of the year.... how can i get 30 lazy 6th graders to produce something extraordinary (or simply not embarrassing) when they all know that the grades are in. now i'm beating myself up trying to get a group of sneaky, lazy, summer-fevered preteens to produce something presentable to end the year strong?

and they don't care.

they don't care at all whether this year ends strong.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is infuriating.

my head hurts. i can feel my hair turning gray.

Sigh.

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 17:16:31 GMT

i took three girls out to lunch on Saturday after we spent some time in school working on this "Bubble Tea for New 6th Grader Soul" project. i decided to take them to a bubble tea house on Mott Street to have lunch and bubble tea. we had some interesting conversation. and now i'm feeling sad. for no reasons. i'm weird. what's wrong with me?

i asked them what they want to be when they grow up. one girl said she wants to be a judge, not a lawyer. she wants to be the one they call "your honor." her friend said well, if you'll need to go through 7 years of college to be lawyer..it's gonna be hard, but "i think i want to be a doctor, which will take 11 years of college." and then they kept on talking: it takes 4 years of school to be a teacher; ____ years to be a nurse; only 2 years to be a policeman; 4 years min to be an accountant, but their mothers told them they'd need an MBA (from Columbia business school or Harvard) to find a good job, so that'd take two more years. i think someone also mentioned that it'd take 12 years for a teacher to become a principal or something. anyways their first career choice would be doctor, lawyer second, or maybe a journalist or a writer, and if all things fail, they'd be a teacher, or maybe they can be a teacher and a freelance writer at the same time (if all other options fail, that is). they are 11.

when i was their age, i wanted to work in a chocolate factory. when i was 15, i wanted to be Mariah Carey. for a while i dreamed about to be a journalist with a bulky camera hung around my neck interviewing some unknown endagered animals in a jungle far far away. and then i decided to be a business woman in a sexy business suit watching sunrise from my own office in a high rise building. it wasn't until i was close to my mid-20's when i finally had a legit career choice. and now, at age 27, all i want is a long summer vacation. hearing my students, who are not even teens yet, talking about Stuyvesant and SAT and college and how long they'd have to spend in college to get to where they want to be makes me sad. for reasons i don't even know.

really. i'm really very sad. so sad my head hurts. so sad i don't feel like seeing anyone today. not only sad i'm feeling a bit mad. why? i don't know don't know don't know. sigh. what am i doing with my life? and really, who cares anyway? argh! i need some OnSen. i need some mountains.

man i want to move to Alaska or something.

ELA test scores

Tue, 26 May 2009 22:12:00 GMT

I checked my students' scores of their all-important state-wide ELA test today. i was so nervous i was holding my breath waiting for that moment of truth. it was intense. my kids are smart, and they worked hard. if the results were bad, it'd be all my fault.

man they made me proud.

Only one of my 52 students did not pass the test, and the lil guy is in both ESL and IEP (special ed). but he worked hard regardless, so i'd gladly take the blame. if i had invested more individual time with him, he might have passed!

12 of my students scored 4 (above grade level). the rest are all 3's (grade level).

all my other ESL kids (including one who's relatively new!) and IEP kids passed.

That's prretty impressive for an NYC school, especially when the majority of the students in this Chinatown school are considered ELLs (english langauge learners).

Not only did they do well. They improved! (whew~ quality review...)

i was relieved!

Good job, guys. Be proud of yourselves.

i was a bit surprised, however, that quite a few of my high-performing kids did not score a 4. they all looked disappointed when they learned their scores. i told them the portfolio says much more about them as readers and writers than a single test, but it was hard to cheer them up. the state-wide test is given way more credibility than it deserves. no one should think better or worse of themselves as readers or writers because of a single test result. Sadly, American education has become more and more test-driven, and the kids feel it too.

That said, my 6th graders tested very well. i'm not disappointed at all.

they should all smile and be proud of themselves.

what now?

Mon, 25 May 2009 02:47:04 GMT

just heard a great message on transforming a generation into Nazarites, and how we should strive to be and to raise Elijahs, not Samsons.

First we reviewed the Nazarite vow, which basically says 1) don't drink wine, 2) don't cut your hair, and 3) don't come near any dead body. Of course, that's the literal wording of the vow. the spiritual meaning of the vow goes way deeper, but can be summarized into three H's: "Humility" (surrender pleasure/wine to God); "Hunger" for God (not cutting hair shows you're too busy praying/studying to get a trim), and striving for personal "Holiness" (don't let the corpse contaminate you).

After that, we looked closely at how Elijah upheld the vow and was able to revive and reform an entire generation while Samson failed: Both these men made the vow and received a special, national calling (one a judge, the other one a prophet); both received very special, powerful anointing; both had weakness toward women (Delilah and Jezebel). However, Samson lost his vision, his "big picture" along the way while Elijah held on to it; Samson lost his intimacy with God while Elijah looked and hungered for it; Samson died without transferring his anointing to the next generation while Elijah passed the baton to Elisha.

During prayer time, we were asked to pray for the younger generation. most of the attendees prayed for their children; i prayed for my students, asking the Lord to raise great Nazarites like Elijah. Then we were asked to recommit ourselves to the Lord, and reflect on whether or not we have upheld the vow, for a Nazarite can only be raised or called by another Nazarite. We can't expect the kids to be great Elijahs while we live like short-sighted Samsons.

Last night i had a very comfortable prayer time, thinking about what a "dream" job i have. During prayer time tonight, however, i became rather restless. I felt unsettled thinking whether I've become too settled where i am. I have no vision, no "big picture" to commit myself to. What exactly is my calling? Where exactly should i be a few years from now, after i've paid off my debt? Is NYC my final destination? Is this my harvesting field?

I realized that i've never really thought much about that. i never really had to worry too much about what's to come. yes i do worry, and i make you read all about my petty worries here, but things, or answers often come along before i could make a big deal out of my uncertainty. i don't really have a long term goal to strive toward. i can't say i've lost sight of my vision, because in all honesty, i don't think i have one. I've gotten away with just playing by ear, walking on that long (red? haha) carpet as it is unfolding right before my eyes.

when ppl ask me what i want to be when i uh, grow up, my typical answer would be "well i plan to stay and teach in new york until i pay off my debt (which will probly take another 3 years or so), and hopefully catch a husband along the way, and we can all wait and see what happens from there. if the hub wanted to take root in the big apple, i'd just have to follow like a good, faithful helper, but i'm really hoping to find someone who'd rather not do that, but it's all in God's hands.." and there you have it. my very blurry, very short-sighted vision, which in reality, is not a vision at all.

the truth is, i don't pray enough. i get comfortable too easily. and in the past two days, God's been showing me that if i don't start praying for a clearer vision with urgency and seeking His kingdom with hunger and intensity, i will miss out on the most exciting work of God the world's ever witnessed. He's asking me to give up my short-sightedness, my terminal blessing for a bigger purpose, like how He asked Abraham to give up Issac, his only son, to become "the father of many nations."

so what now? i don't want to worry about the future (especially when i'm enjoying my dream job and don't plan to quit any time soon), but it's clear to me that i need to ask the Lord for a vision with more urgency, more hunger, and more fire. i've become too complacent and He's not happy. God wants me to align my life and my dreams with His calling, and He wants me to be ready to commit. i want to say i'm not sure what He wants me to commit to, but that Nazarite vow seems quite um, bold and shiny...

sigh..gotta admit though..it's more fun to see a great Elijah coming than to be one yourself. God have mercy.

at a retreat

Sun, 24 May 2009 03:42:12 GMT

It's day 2 of the AGAPE renewal conference. I came here with a friend, thinking it'd be cool to spend my memorial day long weekend in a Christian retreat. I had no idea this organization promotes charismatic movements in Chinese churches, and I had no expectations whatsoever. To be honest, seeing all these 40-something Chinese American adults dance, shout out Amens (very often with "Woo-hoos"), and clap spontaneously makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I can feel them looking at the 20-something me, thinking, "Poor girl..What demonic power is holding her back? What's hindering her spirit? Why is she so stiff?"

btw, I don't know if it's the new yorker in me or what, but i find that i can get quite impatient with their singspiration routines. Seriously, they devote 45 minutes of assembly time to singspiration, singing only 5 very simple songs, each with two verses max. All those repetitions drive me crazy, and make me feel guilty at the same time, wondering if i've become too jaded and proud.

Anyways, the speakers are good. And i do learn a lot, despite the fact that the prolonged singspiration stresses me out quite a bit. the Lord is good. and i hope i have more to share in the coming few days.

Before i go, i just want to share that Pastor Jerome Ocampo's message on generational transfer really encouraged me today. During prayer time, I reflected on the career i have, the students i serve, and the wonderful colleagues i work with, and it hit me once again how exceedingly blessed i am. i have a dream job. yes i'm living a dream. there's no other place on this planet where i can find a working place so perfectly compatible with what i can offer (a nerdy, fob-y bilingual teacher in a Chinatown school..there's no better match!). Not only do i love what i'm doing, i am serving the sweetest, most wonderful and generous group of kids on earth, who never fails to make me feel loved and appreciated. God, I love them. In every prayer session in this retreat up to this point, when i should have concentrated on asking for direction or confessing my sins, etc, all i kept seeing in my mind were my kids' smiles. Their faces just kept popping up, and i had no choice (haha..not complaining here... they got me through those pro-longed and noisy prayer sessions) but to bless them.

On friday in school, during one of those silly casual moments, one lil boy raised his hand and told me, "Ms. Tu, you remind me a lot of my sister," and caught me off guard (i mean, i know he has a 20-something older sister, but the kid is half-German!). so stupidly i said, "oh, really? big one or small one?" (huhhh??? yeah i know..it didn't make sense even to me.) his words kept ringing in my ears today. what more can a teacher ask for? a half-German little guy, who i've shown quite a bit of "tough love" (aka. harsh, mean handling) to, had just told me (with very loving, dovey eyes and that adorable smile, btw, no hard feelings for sure ha!) he sees me as family. i never knew if my students can relate to me, and his simple comment was the most encouraging reassurance.

Everything good comes from God.

I see God everywhere, in great, powerful magnitude, in my work place, all the time.

Yes, I see Him in my lil 6th grade classroom EVERYWHERE and ALL THE TIME.

I have a dream job. i'm loving it.

random and scattered

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 18:12:25 GMT

ohisashiburi desu. long time no see. i'm in buffalo. in UB's student union to be exact. i'm waiting for my brother, who's working hard in his lab to meet a 5pm deadline. thought i'd blog to sort out these random and scattered voices in my head.

i thought it'd be weird to be back in your old school again. not really. i guess when you reach college age, you're full-grown. many things about you would seem to have frozen in time. and when you're in situation that remotely reminds you of that time, it only takes a few mili-seconds to get into college freshman mode. i came here today expecting to feel old. should i be happy that i'm not feeling old now after all these years? or should i think about where those years have gone to and why i've not matured or out-grown my college self? i still get intimidated by those business frat kids in their power suits (even though i was once a member), and when those skinny, spikey-haired Asian frat boys in their black designer ski jackets walked toward me, i found myself blushing, even though they are possibly nearly a decade younger than me. i was hopoing to feel old, and to find things that i once considered cool to be fleeting. but no, i feel just as awkward and just as scarred.

Putnam (the dinning hall) still smell of unseasoned, overcooked steamed food. their wings are as hard and dry as i remembered. i find myself trying to find a "perfect spot" to blog and watch downloaded Greys Anatomy episodes like how i used to when i had to cram my World Civilizations readings.

some things are different. Tim Hortons had taken over the smoothie stand, and a chinese take-out place called "Asian Express" had taken over Auntie Aunts. and oh, krispy kreme. the place that used to attract the biggest crowd is no more. not a trace. not even in the dining hall shelves. they've also replaced the tables and chairs of my favorite reading spot underneath the slanted stair case with multiple vending machines. and when i went to the commuter lounge to well, lounge, i was stopped by a receptionist, asking if i needed any help. turned out that the lounge had become the office of multi-cultural promotion office or something like that.

starbucks in commons, where i used to work, is still there, and it smells just as bad. (maybe it smells like good coffee for most people, but for someone who used to work there, it smells like greasy coffee beans and milk steam.) but it's no longer a hot spot with long lines of students trying to get a latte before class. i wonder why it's still there. buffalonians run on Hortons, just like New Yorkers run on Dunkin. it seems a lot more pleasant to work in starbucks now that it actually looks clean and trendy with less customers, like how it had set out to be when it started. in the good old times when it was the coffee monopoly, the place always seemed dirty, crowdy, noisy, trashed and under-staffed.

one thing though. there are less readers in student union. i see a lot of laptop users, but not that many readers. a few years ago, you'd see kids with their noses burried in big, bulky, hard-covered text books, holding a bic highlighter. that's no longer the case. everywhere i go, i see kids with their faces behind a laptop computer. what used to be a luxury item back then has become common today. and everywhere is a hot spot. my brother took me to an "open port" in Capens undergraudate library yesterday to download greys anatomy in my computer. that place used to be a crowded area with long lines of people, but it was empty and desserted yesterday. i actually felt a bit embarrassed to have a wire attached to my computer. i felt ancient. but my brother told me the wire would save two thirds of download time.

in most movies, or books, or memoirs, you always hear the narrator talk about how things look different and then they'd always realize at the end it was they themselves that changed, not the once-familiar surroundings. it seems like you should always feel older and wiser when you revisit a place. i guess i've peaked and passed my prime. after all these years of teaching and traveling, not only do i not feel wiser, i feel like i've shrunken back to freshman mode.

ps. oh oh, i just remembered "never been kissed!" haha at least there's one example out there that i can relate to.

scary

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 21:58:40 GMT

the following article was delivered to my kindle:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/14/technology/start-ups/14startup.html?em

note to self:

i need to stay in the classroom. i need to stay in education. i can't get fired. seriously i have no other talent. if i got fired and couldn't find a job i'd have to join the peace corp or something. or maybe find a buxiban in asia or something. i can't think of anything else.

that's very scarrrry. i'm not good at anything else. maybe i should think about learning something new..something i can fall back on...

aarrgh.. parent-teacher conference is this coming tuesday. this past garding period's not been easy and i'm ready to be toast.

......

oh Lord, i'm beyond stressed.

in deep water..

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 04:47:25 GMT

i've become the target of a parent who's been working very hard to get the school in trouble. being a rookie makes me an easy target. plus i'm his daughter's homeroom teacher. so the week started with a lengthy angry mail in my box, followed by a very blunt short email, followed by a voice message in my cell phone this afternoon. he sounded bitter, and that lengthy letter contains words that can easily pass as personal attack.

and oh, the parent claims that he's got the right to come into my room to observe me teach, and he's demanding a response (to what? i'm not sure exactely).

and i can't defend myself. not when it's a parent on the other side.

the flood. the increasingly hard-to-manage, impulsive, hormonal teenagers and the challenges they throw in your face. the nut-case parent..

it's been an eventful and terribly exhausting week.

it's 12:30 am, and i still need to make a powerpoint presentation, a chapter handout, and to make at least 15 letter-sized theme posters for lamination (friday is the only lamination day) to decorate the room.

oh God, i'm so tired. and i so want to sleep.

Thank God though, for my principal, my supervisors, my mentor, and my colleagues. they're so loving and supportive. i can't ask for a better place to work.

and thank God for the kids.

just moments after reading that lengthy angry letter, i asked my homeroom class to "flash me smile" because "I need a pick-me-up." and they did. they flashed me 28 very beautiful smiles. all for me. first thing in the morning that day before i took attendance.

and i was able to move on and continue with the day.

i'm okay. very tired. very sleepy. feeling like i'm in some deep waters.

but okay.

i need the spring break. right now.