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| frustrated .. ahhh i'm frustrated!
My kids can't write. They can't write!! They were all born here, and they can't speak proper English. Seriously! I'm beyond frustrated. After a year of labor, i look at their writing and feel like i've accomplished nothing.
they cannot use "many" and "much" properly. they don't know the difference between "a little" and "a few." they don't know how to use past perfect. their tenses are all over the place. subject-verb agreement? i don't even know where to start. they still tend to mess up the gender pronouns. "My sister's annoying. He always bothering me." you see weird expressions like "too less homework" (what they mean is "not enough") all the time. they don't know how to form a complete sentence. ("What to bring? Seven days until Vermont field trip!!!") and they simply don't make sense!
it's not just bad writing. it's writing that doesn't even make sense!
and they were born here! and they want to go to Stuyvesant!
Seriously!
and now it's end of the year. i'm trying to put together a "6th grade year book" type of thing. i'm supposed to inlcude every single student's work in there, but the kids have become so lazy that i've only collected a handful. Not only that, most of the work i saw is simply not presentable! Simply toooo embarrassing.
i've not worked my magic.
ARRRRGGH.. WHY?!
This is ENGLISH! not some exotic foreign language they are forced to learn in high school. and they were born here! right here in the big apple. born and raised and have gone through PreK, 6 years of elementary school and they're still not proficient. If their chinese is anywhere near passable, I'd well, pass.
but NO, English is what they feel the most comfortable using. their chinese is even more of a mess.
AAAAARRRRRRRGH. What exactly is missing?!!!!
and you can't fix it. their English, along with all its appaling mistakes, has fossilized. FOSSILIZED! something that should only happen to adult learners like me, who started learning English at 13.
and it's their NATIVE language i'm talking about!
i'm beyond stressed. the deadline is less than a week away. i've got tons of work to do, and the kids are simply not there. it's the end of the year.... how can i get 30 lazy 6th graders to produce something extraordinary (or simply not embarrassing) when they all know that the grades are in. now i'm beating myself up trying to get a group of sneaky, lazy, summer-fevered preteens to produce something presentable to end the year strong?
and they don't care.
they don't care at all whether this year ends strong.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is infuriating.
my head hurts. i can feel my hair turning gray.
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| Sigh.i took three girls out to lunch on Saturday after we spent some time in school working on this "Bubble Tea for New 6th Grader Soul" project. i decided to take them to a bubble tea house on Mott Street to have lunch and bubble tea. we had some interesting conversation. and now i'm feeling sad. for no reasons. i'm weird. what's wrong with me?
i asked them what they want to be when they grow up. one girl said she wants to be a judge, not a lawyer. she wants to be the one they call "your honor." her friend said well, if you'll need to go through 7 years of college to be lawyer..it's gonna be hard, but "i think i want to be a doctor, which will take 11 years of college." and then they kept on talking: it takes 4 years of school to be a teacher; ____ years to be a nurse; only 2 years to be a policeman; 4 years min to be an accountant, but their mothers told them they'd need an MBA (from Columbia business school or Harvard) to find a good job, so that'd take two more years. i think someone also mentioned that it'd take 12 years for a teacher to become a principal or something. anyways their first career choice would be doctor, lawyer second, or maybe a journalist or a writer, and if all things fail, they'd be a teacher, or maybe they can be a teacher and a freelance writer at the same time (if all other options fail, that is). they are 11.
when i was their age, i wanted to work in a chocolate factory. when i was 15, i wanted to be Mariah Carey. for a while i dreamed about to be a journalist with a bulky camera hung around my neck interviewing some unknown endagered animals in a jungle far far away. and then i decided to be a business woman in a sexy business suit watching sunrise from my own office in a high rise building. it wasn't until i was close to my mid-20's when i finally had a legit career choice. and now, at age 27, all i want is a long summer vacation. hearing my students, who are not even teens yet, talking about Stuyvesant and SAT and college and how long they'd have to spend in college to get to where they want to be makes me sad. for reasons i don't even know.
really. i'm really very sad. so sad my head hurts. so sad i don't feel like seeing anyone today. not only sad i'm feeling a bit mad. why? i don't know don't know don't know. sigh. what am i doing with my life? and really, who cares anyway? argh! i need some OnSen. i need some mountains.
man i want to move to Alaska or something.
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| ELA test scoresI checked my students' scores of their all-important state-wide ELA test today. i was so nervous i was holding my breath waiting for that moment of truth. it was intense. my kids are smart, and they worked hard. if the results were bad, it'd be all my fault.
man they made me proud.
Only one of my 52 students did not pass the test, and the lil guy is in both ESL and IEP (special ed). but he worked hard regardless, so i'd gladly take the blame. if i had invested more individual time with him, he might have passed!
12 of my students scored 4 (above grade level). the rest are all 3's (grade level).
all my other ESL kids (including one who's relatively new!) and IEP kids passed.
That's prretty impressive for an NYC school, especially when the majority of the students in this Chinatown school are considered ELLs (english langauge learners).
Not only did they do well. They improved! (whew~ quality review...)
i was relieved!
Good job, guys. Be proud of yourselves.
i was a bit surprised, however, that quite a few of my high-performing kids did not score a 4. they all looked disappointed when they learned their scores. i told them the portfolio says much more about them as readers and writers than a single test, but it was hard to cheer them up. the state-wide test is given way more credibility than it deserves. no one should think better or worse of themselves as readers or writers because of a single test result. Sadly, American education has become more and more test-driven, and the kids feel it too.
That said, my 6th graders tested very well. i'm not disappointed at all.
they should all smile and be proud of themselves.
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| what now?just heard a great message on transforming a generation into Nazarites, and how we should strive to be and to raise Elijahs, not Samsons.
First we reviewed the Nazarite vow, which basically says 1) don't drink wine, 2) don't cut your hair, and 3) don't come near any dead body. Of course, that's the literal wording of the vow. the spiritual meaning of the vow goes way deeper, but can be summarized into three H's: "Humility" (surrender pleasure/wine to God); "Hunger" for God (not cutting hair shows you're too busy praying/studying to get a trim), and striving for personal "Holiness" (don't let the corpse contaminate you).
After that, we looked closely at how Elijah upheld the vow and was able to revive and reform an entire generation while Samson failed: Both these men made the vow and received a special, national calling (one a judge, the other one a prophet); both received very special, powerful anointing; both had weakness toward women (Delilah and Jezebel). However, Samson lost his vision, his "big picture" along the way while Elijah held on to it; Samson lost his intimacy with God while Elijah looked and hungered for it; Samson died without transferring his anointing to the next generation while Elijah passed the baton to Elisha.
During prayer time, we were asked to pray for the younger generation. most of the attendees prayed for their children; i prayed for my students, asking the Lord to raise great Nazarites like Elijah. Then we were asked to recommit ourselves to the Lord, and reflect on whether or not we have upheld the vow, for a Nazarite can only be raised or called by another Nazarite. We can't expect the kids to be great Elijahs while we live like short-sighted Samsons.
Last night i had a very comfortable prayer time, thinking about what a "dream" job i have. During prayer time tonight, however, i became rather restless. I felt unsettled thinking whether I've become too settled where i am. I have no vision, no "big picture" to commit myself to. What exactly is my calling? Where exactly should i be a few years from now, after i've paid off my debt? Is NYC my final destination? Is this my harvesting field?
I realized that i've never really thought much about that. i never really had to worry too much about what's to come. yes i do worry, and i make you read all about my petty worries here, but things, or answers often come along before i could make a big deal out of my uncertainty. i don't really have a long term goal to strive toward. i can't say i've lost sight of my vision, because in all honesty, i don't think i have one. I've gotten away with just playing by ear, walking on that long (red? haha) carpet as it is unfolding right before my eyes.
when ppl ask me what i want to be when i uh, grow up, my typical answer would be "well i plan to stay and teach in new york until i pay off my debt (which will probly take another 3 years or so), and hopefully catch a husband along the way, and we can all wait and see what happens from there. if the hub wanted to take root in the big apple, i'd just have to follow like a good, faithful helper, but i'm really hoping to find someone who'd rather not do that, but it's all in God's hands.." and there you have it. my very blurry, very short-sighted vision, which in reality, is not a vision at all.
the truth is, i don't pray enough. i get comfortable too easily. and in the past two days, God's been showing me that if i don't start praying for a clearer vision with urgency and seeking His kingdom with hunger and intensity, i will miss out on the most exciting work of God the world's ever witnessed. He's asking me to give up my short-sightedness, my terminal blessing for a bigger purpose, like how He asked Abraham to give up Issac, his only son, to become "the father of many nations."
so what now? i don't want to worry about the future (especially when i'm enjoying my dream job and don't plan to quit any time soon), but it's clear to me that i need to ask the Lord for a vision with more urgency, more hunger, and more fire. i've become too complacent and He's not happy. God wants me to align my life and my dreams with His calling, and He wants me to be ready to commit. i want to say i'm not sure what He wants me to commit to, but that Nazarite vow seems quite um, bold and shiny...
sigh..gotta admit though..it's more fun to see a great Elijah coming than to be one yourself. God have mercy.
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| at a retreatIt's day 2 of the AGAPE renewal conference. I came here with a friend, thinking it'd be cool to spend my memorial day long weekend in a Christian retreat. I had no idea this organization promotes charismatic movements in Chinese churches, and I had no expectations whatsoever. To be honest, seeing all these 40-something Chinese American adults dance, shout out Amens (very often with "Woo-hoos"), and clap spontaneously makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I can feel them looking at the 20-something me, thinking, "Poor girl..What demonic power is holding her back? What's hindering her spirit? Why is she so stiff?"
btw, I don't know if it's the new yorker in me or what, but i find that i can get quite impatient with their singspiration routines. Seriously, they devote 45 minutes of assembly time to singspiration, singing only 5 very simple songs, each with two verses max. All those repetitions drive me crazy, and make me feel guilty at the same time, wondering if i've become too jaded and proud.
Anyways, the speakers are good. And i do learn a lot, despite the fact that the prolonged singspiration stresses me out quite a bit. the Lord is good. and i hope i have more to share in the coming few days.
Before i go, i just want to share that Pastor Jerome Ocampo's message on generational transfer really encouraged me today. During prayer time, I reflected on the career i have, the students i serve, and the wonderful colleagues i work with, and it hit me once again how exceedingly blessed i am. i have a dream job. yes i'm living a dream. there's no other place on this planet where i can find a working place so perfectly compatible with what i can offer (a nerdy, fob-y bilingual teacher in a Chinatown school..there's no better match!). Not only do i love what i'm doing, i am serving the sweetest, most wonderful and generous group of kids on earth, who never fails to make me feel loved and appreciated. God, I love them. In every prayer session in this retreat up to this point, when i should have concentrated on asking for direction or confessing my sins, etc, all i kept seeing in my mind were my kids' smiles. Their faces just kept popping up, and i had no choice (haha..not complaining here... they got me through those pro-longed and noisy prayer sessions) but to bless them.
On friday in school, during one of those silly casual moments, one lil boy raised his hand and told me, "Ms. Tu, you remind me a lot of my sister," and caught me off guard (i mean, i know he has a 20-something older sister, but the kid is half-German!). so stupidly i said, "oh, really? big one or small one?" (huhhh??? yeah i know..it didn't make sense even to me.) his words kept ringing in my ears today. what more can a teacher ask for? a half-German little guy, who i've shown quite a bit of "tough love" (aka. harsh, mean handling) to, had just told me (with very loving, dovey eyes and that adorable smile, btw, no hard feelings for sure ha!) he sees me as family. i never knew if my students can relate to me, and his simple comment was the most encouraging reassurance.
Everything good comes from God.
I see God everywhere, in great, powerful magnitude, in my work place, all the time.
Yes, I see Him in my lil 6th grade classroom EVERYWHERE and ALL THE TIME.
I have a dream job. i'm loving it.
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